Tuesday, August 01, 2017

"When envy gets triggered," she said, "it's almost too painful to look at."

Last week I wrote an article about jealousy.  A reader asked me to do a follow up, detailing the specific tools that helped me get on the other side.  

She wrote, "My story is ...when envy gets triggered it is almost too painful to look at and I choose to turn away instead of being with it.  It also brings a cascade of depressive thoughts that say "you'll never get what you want". 
I can completely relate.  This reader asked me three questions:
  • What really piqued my interest was what you said about doing lots of work on [jealousy] in order to shift.  What type of work was it?  Self-inquiry, working with a coach or therapist? I truly believe in working with coaches and therapists.  For this particular work, I used deep, consistent self-training, books and audios. I also connected to my motivation, which was easy.  I was going to lose my best friend if I didn't get a grip.  I started my uprooting by reading a book called “The Abundance Book” by John Randolph Price.  I read through it twice.  I went on my journey from there.
  • What was the hardest to shift?  Was there an “aha” moment about the nature of jealousy/envy? My biggest “aha” about jealousy was learning what the root of my jealousy was.  Mine was coming from a place of scarcity. I would erroneously think that if you had it, that meant that there were not enough opportunities for me.  That thought would then spiral me down into dark places of not being talented enough, not being strong enough, blah blah blah.  I realized from my initial root that I was experiencing thoughts of scarcity in many aspects of my life.  Oh boy...that “aha” showing my scarcity mindset sent me on a full-time journey of re-programming my brain.
  • Is there anyone currently that brings up that feeling for you even momentarily? Oh yes, of course!  I'm glad you asked that question so that there's no romanticizing my story.  Weeding out jealousy is like weeding a garden.  Seeds of jealousy are continually seeking a place to sprout in me, and I feel the beginnings of envy try to take root in me all the time. Even just today!  It’s my opportunity to continually choose to weed them out with my tools.  The good news is that because I have dedicated myself to the importance of this work, I continually find myself doing less and less weeding, and more and more celebrating.
  • Tool #1: FLAGS. When I began, every time I felt jealousy, I flagged it with a waving banner.  The banner read, “YAY! I’M HAPPY FOR YOU!” That flag started as my war cry, my call to arms. To feel that sentence with full authenticity was the goal, and my eye was firmly fixed on where I was going. I pitched that flag right in the middle of my chaos of jealousy with fervor and determination.  The tool of flagging our thoughts declares to the Universe that no matter what my inner battlefield looked like with hurt, anger, depression, and the envy I was experiencing, I knew that the spirit of true joy and celebration was going to eventually win. You deserve to know that I flagged thousands and thousands of places in me for over two years, until I felt the shift occur.  It is gritty work.  This is warrior-level work, and it takes true commitment to succeed. Waving my celebration flags everywhere is a tool I still use. 
  • Tool #2: “WHEN IT’S YOUR TURN TO WIN, YOU WILL WIN” I still repeat this mantra all the time.  It was given to me by my one of my mentors. Is this a sentence you can believe? “When it’s your turn to win, you will win.”  I found that using this tool requires a companion tool of faith to partner with it. Together here’s how it works.  Imagine a long line of people who, one by one, are walking on stage in front of an audience.  You are waiting in the line too.  You are number 107, coming closer and closer to the stage. As you wait in line for your turn, you have the choice to stand quietly and feel jealous that they are on stage before you are. Or... you can cheer wildly for everyone who goes on stage before you do, knowing you are on your way too!  I firmly believe that you get your chance on life’s stage, and so do I.  Whether this blanket statement is actually “true” or not is irrelevant in utilizing this tool. The tool works for me because this mantra replaces gucky thoughts of jealousy. When I see someone have something that I want, I say to myself, “Yay!  It’s their time to win!  It’s that person’s time on stage!”  I would rather cheer extra loud for everyone who wins before I do, because when it’s my time to win, I want lots of people to cheer for me too. 
  • Tool #3: ROOT WORK. My jealousy stuff came from a root of “there’s not enough”.  Jealousy helped me to identify scarcity in me. Your root might be scarcity, or a question of worthiness, feeling insecure, or not feeling lovable, etc. What is your root?  When you feel brave enough to go there, follow the jealousy down to your root, then do honest, consistent work at that level.  Don’t mask it.  Don't try to escape it.  Get honest.  I told my close friends that I was doing work around jealousy, and instead of trying to hide it, I asked for their support. 
Oh I’m SO passionate about supporting each other’s dreams.  Feel free to reach out if you desire more support. I also offer sessions.  This is the good stuff, everyone!  I believe celebrating each other's lives with true joy is one of the best gifts we can offer the world.
With love and celebration, Emily

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