Monday, September 24, 2018

Jealousy is my weakness. And I am committed to sincere, genuine celebration.

I'm jealous of a woman named Amanda, and a man named Charles.
Amanda Palmer (musician) and Charles Eisenstein (author/public speaker) are buzzwords in circles talking about alternative economic models. 
I don't know if they have ever met, but like me, both Amanda and Charles are creators living within a gift economy.  And like me, both use Patreon as a platform. 
You’d think that knowing a musician and a writer are out there successfully waving the same world-changing banner as I am would feel good to me.  I mean wow….successfully living their passions within a gift economy model!?  WOOHOO!!  How inspiring!!  Some days knowing about their success feels really good.  Most days, I'm busy living my own life to even care.  
But then there are days that comparing their successes with my own makes me not want to get out of bed. 
This admission was highlighted today because I started reading Amanda’s book, “The Art of Asking”.  After the first page, I stopped and noticed my posture, and my frame of mind.  I was completely closed down.  My arms were crossed. My thoughts were stifled and resentful.
Sigh. I felt jealous.
As of September 24, the date of this article, Charles Eisenstein has 272 patrons and he is receiving $2,309 per month.  All gifts.  His overall success, however, cannot be measured merely by sneaking onto his Patreon page.  I also subscribe to his newsletter, and so I hear about how this internationally- acclaimed public speaker is invited to speak at worldwide events.  He is well known to audiences who are thirsty to know more about gift economics as a viable alternative to our world’s current economic system.  He’s an expert you’d really want to listen to if you were serious about world change.
Amanda Palmer doesn’t share with the public how much money she receives per month on Patreon, but she currently has 11,846 patrons, which does not necessarily include her music fan base worldwide.  During the short amount of time it took for me to edit this article, three more patrons signed up for her on her Patreon page! That is phenomenal. 
So far, I have 105 foundational patrons.  As of the date of this article, I am not well known, and I don’t have a huge fan base.
Comparisons are the basis of the kind of jealousy I have experienced in my life, and I have always known how extremely dangerous they are for me.  Why?  Because someone always loses.  For example, my jealousy automatically makes them a "winner", and me a loser.
But I'm not a loser.  And neither is what I stand for.  And yet, in the clouds of my jealousy, there is never logic.  You can't convince me out of my jealousy using rationality. Maybe for a few moments a good friend might tell me how great I am and how hard I work, and it will soothe me and feed my fragile ego, but this tactic cannot fill the hole inside of me. Nope, there is no substitution for the inner work it takes for that deep, sweet knowingness that I am enough...consistently and thoroughly and always.  My inner wellbeing eliminates any possibility of feeling threatened by another's success.  I know it's possible to do life this way, and even if it wasn't, it wouldn't deter me from trying. It's the only direction I'm walking.
Anyone out there who also struggles with jealousy and is doing the work to transmute it into the spirit of celebration knows this work is very important to do, and beyond worth it to get honest about it.  It really would be a shame to miss what I came to earth to do because of a few mists of jealous clouds. When the clouds part, I see a vision of Amanda, Charles and I enjoying tiramisu and tea on the veranda together, and this is what I can share with them about my story:   
  • That I am an intuitive warrior woman.
  • That I feel passionately that something is inherently wrong about divine, precious human beings spending their earth life going to jobs they don’t love.
  • That something feels wrong about ignoring the call of our heart's dreams for the myriad of very good, logical being the very dominant one.
  • That I refuse to sit back on my rocking chair and spew resentments about the way the world is, so I quit my job and got neck deep in my own personal experiment to eliminate my own limitations, so I can sift between the lies and enslaving delusions to see the absolutely limitless I truly am.
  • That amongst all the humongous insights, I don’t believe in preaching a word of this to anyone.  Instead, I choose to trust everyone's perfect path, and to dedicate every step of my personalized experiment to the whole of humanity's collective consciousness in ways it might be most useful for the highest good.  Everything I do is dedicated in the name of dreamers being courageous to live our dreams without limitations.
These things make me awesome.  There's no need for comparisons in this place.  You, you, and me.  All awesome.  These things also just happen to make me happy, enthused, radiant, and excited.
105 beautiful patrons on my Patreon page so far have said, “Emily, I believe in you. Keep going, sister. I’m signing up as your patron.”
Patrons honor me big time.  And I get it.  Courage inspires action. I'll then share with Amanda and Charles that you can see why I am dedicating my new album to my foundational patrons.  I am asking for change-makers to come forward during this window of time (until September 30) and seize this moment with me.  Because when I also have 11,846 patrons, this beginning list of patrons will always have a most significant, special place in my heart.
Because I know where I am going, I feel it’s imperative to tell the truth about jealousy during my beginning era.  Jealousy is my point of weakness, and admitting it makes it lose its power.  As I write about it today, thankfully a clear truth is shining through.  This jealousy I experience isn’t actually even mine. In the worst of it, it's much thicker than misty clouds.  It's more like tar.  I will sludge heavily through its sticky taffy on my feet. I will face plant right into it.  My clothes and skin will be stained with it.  I’ve waded through the embarrassment of it, and I’ve tried to cover it up so you can’t see it.  But no matter how much I have experienced jealousy, I really can’t claim jealousy as mine, because it is not my true nature at my core.  I am a celebrator. I am a cheerleader with ridiculously sparkly gold pompoms.
Jealousy feels so so gross and so uncomfortable because it’s not my natural state.  While I'm in it, though, I’m going to tell the truth about it.  I’m going to shine the spotlight on it and surround it with lots and lots of truth exposure. It will always be true that you will always have something I want, and I will always have something you want.  That concept will never go away, so I declare myself an embodiment of the change in how I interact with it.  
Jealousy, thank you for everything you teach me.  Thank you for showing me what I am not.  I am committed to the work of sincere, genuine celebration.  
I’m starting right here and now with this article.  I wouldn’t have even begun writing this article if I didn’t already know that I’m getting through to the other side, to embrace who I really am.  I strongly admire both Amanda and Charles as truth-tellers, and I feel they deserve to be in a world of others telling their truth as well.  
I will continue to do so. 
And thank you for allowing me to share my feelings with you, because my arms have uncrossed.  I feel ready to pick up Amanda's book again, this time with an open heart. 
With love, Emily

Photo: Mark Jeffery

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